Non Sequitur

My thoughts are oh-so-scattered today, so I preemptively apologize for this possibly rambling post.

Some tunes to distract you from the poor writing:
Doctor Blind by Emily Haines

I had a dream last night about "Johnny" (I won't bother boring you with background, as you'll figure out what you need to know eventually). We were at an art museum with all of our other friends, kind of like a party. We were virtually inseparable while wandering around the galleries. And then, BAM!, we're dating, and it's as normal as can be. The dream itself danced on that line between distinguishable dream-state and muddled reality, so I awoke with such a strange feeling: I knew it was a dream, yet I had those lingering feelings about him; I felt that if I had seen him today, I probably would have greeted him with an embrace and a kiss, as if we actually were dating, and to me it would have been completely normal. The other thing that gets me, is that this wasn't a physically-based dream; it was definitely relationship-based. It makes me wonder if my brain is telling me that my feelings run deeper than just a schoolgirl crush.

It's strange to me how much things stay in your mind, even when you think they're not. I thought I was done thinking about Johnny in that way, but this dream had me thinking about him all day. I realized that I merely tell myself that I'm over him, but I still think about him and stop by his Facebook profile every once in a while. I think the dream might also be rooted in the recent communication with him after at least a month of silence. Every time I think I'm done and over with it, he reaches out and reminds me that he's still there. There's something about a guy initiating contact that stimulates my over-analyzing tic and gets me thinking (too much). I still hold onto the (probably foolish) notion that he was curious about "us" also, and I seem to think (again, probably foolishly) that his random contact is his curiosity flaring up. What is it about non-closure that gets us going? I'm amazed at our outstanding capability to delude ourselves.

I'm also amazed at our internet capabilities. Everything seems to be an online community these days: Facebook, MySpace, Blogger, LiveJournal, and even non-community websites that merely band people together by common interest. When did people decide to stop meeting and conversing in person, and start hiding behind a computer screen? Is it a drop in self-confidence? After all, you can appear as whomever you wish online. On the flip side of the coin, however, is the incredible ability of communication that has been provided by the internet. Those who are away from their friends and/or loved ones (not unlike myself) can easily keep in touch via internet. Upon moving, I noticed a dramatic increase in my internet time (to maybe 3 hours a day, if not more (don't judge)), and I wasn't quite sure why for a while. Until I realized that it was to feel closer to those who were far away. I spend the majority of my internet time writing to my far-off friends, browsing their Facebook pages to keep up on their lives without me, and reading their blogs. The internet is what has saved me in these past few months, because I've been able to be instantly close to my friends and not die of loneliness. I mean look at this, I've even bought into the whole blog thing, something I thought I would never do.



At the same time, I fear that the internet will be my downfall. I spend entirely too much time online, as I shamefully admitted earlier. I can't seem to get off the computer at night (a.k.a. very early morning), and it has screwed up my sleep schedule; I now go to sleep at about 3-4am, which inevitably leaves me asleep until about 12-1pm...not good for being productive. Also, time seems to fly by when I'm online, so that keeps me occupied for about an hour after I wake up. So, my average time out the door during the day is 3pm. Not conducive to...anything, really.

Especially when I have to babysit at an early hour. I have to watch my nephew, Julius, again tomorrow and possibly Wednesday as well. That will make a total of four full days of entertaining the always-fickle Julius James (of course the kid who is slow to figure out speech is the one with a name like Julius). I am not getting paid for this time. I figured out that it is about 10 hours a day, at $10 an hour, to make a total of $400. I don't expect to get paid for this (that's a lie, any decent person would pay someone to care for their child for four days, if only $40), because I have to earn my keep and all that, especially since I don't have a job yet. However, it would be nice to get a little slack, maybe a tank of gas and a few bucks to do cool stuff with friends, or maybe some new summer clothes (because I foolishly got rid of most of my clothes recently). But no, instead I get more arguments about why I haven't found a job yet (maybe because I've been too busy babysitting your grandson?) and not so much as $10 for a little gas to get around to actually find a job. Four hundred dollars is a lot, and the more I think about it, the sadder I get that I'm not getting a cent.

In other news, I've been spending a lot of time browsing music blogs in the last couple of days, thanks to the links that Kat posted on her blog. Not only has this wasted much of my time, it has also led to a very long list of music I plan on downloading--great, just what I need, more music to download and forget about because I've downloaded too much music. This music blog browsing as also led to a few pondering points. One: I wonder if I'll ever get arrested for the ridiculous amount of illegally downloaded music I have. I'm pretty sure about a third, if not half, of my music is downloaded. Which kind of sucks, because (A) I might get arrested; and (B) I really do want to support the artists I listen to, but I'm just too broke to do so. I wish I could support them though, because most of them are indie and need as much support as they can get.

Which leads me to Two: am I becoming one of those snobby "indie kids"? I don't mean to be, if I am. But I have to wonder: how do you maintain that delicate balance that keeps you from falling into the music snob category? These music blogs seem to be solely dedicated to the never-ending search for the latest greatest obscure indie band. So why do I listen to the music I listen to? I maintain that it is because of the music, not because of much of its "underground" status. I like indie music, not just independent labels. I think of indie as a genre and a sound rather than a label. Yes, I listen to indie artists like Okkervil River and The Magnetic Fields and Sigur Ros. But I also listen to Modest Mouse, Spoon, and Arcade Fire. Indie music does have something distinct going for it though: experimentation. Indie artists have the freedom to make the kind of music they want to make and to be the people they want to be. (There's a band called Holy Fuck. Now there's a band destined to be indie; you'd never even be able to play them on the radio.) But there's still stigma in the indie genre. Everyone tries to one-up everyone else, and everyone has to have the latest, strangest, most obscure, and everyone has to have the most unique, quirky, "indie" style. When did music become a lifestyle? I guess it always has been (from The Beatles to Janis Joplin, there's always been genre-lifestyle synergy), but have there always been battles between, and even within, musical genres? Why do you have to know more than me and be better than me? Can't we just bond over our shared love for this band or that singer?





And, to round it off in an appropriately indie fashion:
Out of Time from Jason Collett, with whom I have been peripherally enamored since he opened at the Feist concert I went to last fall (which was pretty much life-changingly amazing). By that, I mean that I have wanted his CD Here's To Being Here, but have not had the money for it, and therefore survive off of online mp3s. Also, I pretty much love all of the artists on the Arts & Crafts label, mostly because of their incest, but also because they're all really cool (except for Kevin Drew. Not that he's not cool, I'm just not a fan. But I want to be, because he has a song called Tbtf a.k.a. Too Beautiful To Fuck). Okay now I'm just rambling, and going link-crazy. (ps. The "woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo"s in the middley part of Out of Time sound ridiculously like a song that I know/have, but I can't place. I think it's off of an O.C. Mix...? Maybe I'm just crazy. Help, please.)

In conclusion, my brain is a mess. Thanks for tolerating this outrageous post. Also, I didn't edit this post...I just published it as is, so please refrain from judging/correcting grammar.

Oh yeah, also, Juno comes out tomorrow, and I'm making my mom buy it for me. Rest assured, friends, there is an occasional glimmer of joy in my life.

Also, I did not realize how freaking long this is! I'm sorry, but I had a lot to ramble about. You know I don't do that whole "focus" thing.