Hide and Seek

Some things I do, that not many people know I do:

over-analyze
fixate
ruminate
obsess
scrutinize
...you get the idea.

Most people don't know I do these things, because I simply don't want them to. I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be the girl that bores everyone to tears with a daily rehashing of the same problems, merely from a practically unnoticed new angle. I want to be that other girl. The one who is calm, cool, and collected. The one who listens to her friends' problems, because she can deal with her own minuscule issues by herself, seeing as how they're so manageable and she's so psychologically balanced.

But it seems that in the process of hiding who I really am from other people, I've lost myself. I've neglected me by denying myself the attention I needed for my own life. Instead of seeking help to find myself and what I need to make me happy, I've been guiding my friends to their happiness. I've let their voices drown out my own.

I believe this is one of the factors that necessitated my journey off the map (not to mention a lack of financial funds and a transcript that leaves much to be desired). I desperately needed solitude, to silence the incessant dissatisfaction of others and focus on my own.

However, even though I've physically and routinely settled into that solitude, I'm far from feeling settled. Remember when I said that I had lost myself in the process of being an ever-attentive friend, and that I could rediscover it upon distancing myself from said needy friends? It turns out "myself" wasn't as easily found upon my dislocation as I thought it would be. You may recall my confession of a deadly sin: procrastination. One of the most prominent habits of a procrastinator is list-making, a particular passion of mine. What kind of list do you make to find yourself? So now I'm more lost than ever. Not only am I at a loss for what type of list to make, this is the first time since I've moved home that I've taken time to think about things.

This may not seem like a big deal. To some, it may seem like a welcome relief. But for me, it is quite alarming. It shows that I'm avoiding my own thoughts, and therefore getting stuck even worse than ever. Let me put things in perspective: between the dates of 12/14/07 and 1/11/08 I wrote no less than 53 pages in my journal. Since then, this is the first time I've written anything of substance. This is an effectual comparison, because that was a very emotional and unsteady time for me, as is this. After briefly pondering this disturbing gap in literary activity, I've come to the following conclusion: the emotions and change in my life passed my turbulence threshold, and I simply shut down to cope with it. I started to ignore what was bothering me, because it's so much easier than having to face what is really going on. (Some other things I sometimes do: digress and ramble.)

The reason I took time off from living, was to live and to find myself and to focus on me. But I haven't done any of that. I've slept, I've watched more TV than I have in the last 4 months, and I've followed my mother's wishes to the best of my abilities without activating my gag reflex. But I haven't taken time to do the things I love, to remember what those things even are. I need to do those things that will turn me back into who I am.

Looks like I've made a pretty good start.


P.S. I'm incredibly sorry for this rambling nonsense, but it's something I needed to do for me. I need to reflect before I can look out on the future. Speaking of the future, my up-coming posts will be much better-written than this, hopefully. Maybe I'll actually take some time to think about what I'm saying.

Music selection for the duration of today's drivel:
Takk by Sigur Rós
Great for contemplation

Finally We Are No One by Múm
Also great for contemplation, as well as epiphanies (especially "Green Grass of Tunnel")